Truth be told…

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Collaterally beautiful loss

Love. Time. Death

Tonight my wife and I were watching this film and it struck me a little different than the first time I watched it. The first time we watched this movie together we hadn’t yet experienced tragedy, pain didn’t introduce itself properly. There’s one scene in the movie where Will Smith says he prays to death. I admit I was praying but it was definitely to God. We did say the same things though. I begged God for a trade, I pleaded for Him to take me and let her live instead. I would’ve given anything for my daughter to have taken her first breath outside the womb. The moment in labor where the doctor pulls the baby out and they’re screaming and crying didn’t happen. Her silence was darkness and I could feel the room begin to disappear as my vision broke in two and my heartbeat blurred. For 8 months I prayed for life and in 8 minutes her death stared back at me awkwardly. If Heaven had an answering machine I’d leave you voicemails. My phone service is unlimited but limited to calls outside the network and well… it’s all just collateral beauty undefined.

“Collateral Beauty,” is about the search for meaning in heartbreak and death. It’s about love being in the middle of suffering, pain and loss and this is collateral beauty.

LOVE you forever Kaiyah, wish we had more TIME together, your DEATH is not in vain.

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Fruitful Seed 💕

via Fruitful Seed 💕

Good mornings

Good morning to my little girl(s)…

I’d like to formerly introduce myself to every sleepless night to come that I haven’t met yet.

Hello to the smell of coffee I haven’t drank probably because I don’t really like coffee like that but when you’re running off 17 minutes of sleep you’ll drink just about anything if we’re being honest.

Hi to my left eye that tried to creep up on my right because he fell asleep at the red light special thanks to being at the hospital all night and to the nurse who has asked me four times already, no I don’t want no scrubs, scrubs are for doctors who are delivering my babies, hanging all around the bedside, next to my wife, who keeps yelling at me.

Hey to every inch of my hand that’s numb from all the baby powder that’s embedded into my skin. I’ve changed so many diapers that my rashes have diaper rash.

How are you doing to the love of my life who pushed through labor pains and contractions to bring into this world these packages, neither of them being mail though. People from the past coming forward with their hands out but we don’t ship food here plus that would make them a FedEx and we don’t do those. Despite all the UPS and downs, I still did it all for you. P.S. I’ve been delivered.

Good morning, I imagine is the first thing y’all would’ve said to me in baby language if y’all could talk the day you were born. I stared into eyes I’d never seen before and it felt like I’d known you my whole life. I don’t know how two pairs of eyes sitting side by side could’ve signified anything more powerful. Roman numerically speaking, you II are second to none in my heart after God and your Mom.

God is good and you’re almost here so I can’t wait to hear you cry out with everything in your little lungs, ahhhhhhhhhh translated as Good morning daddy.

I thank God for this and I’m really looking ahead to all of these good mornings…

…together

With you… well at least with one of you. I pray.

You know my name!

A solemn whisper in the night, it tickles the inner side of my ear and kisses me to sleep.

Oh how you hold my hand when I’m scared of the past and how it devours my deepest secrets so easily like the carcass of an antelope.

Caressed me in the middle of the night but snatched me from my sleep ever so gently.

Your spirit rages inside my heart locked cage because once I truly let you in there’s no u turn into my one way street of aging cream and sadness.

God you knocked me off my mountain and come to find out I wasn’t even near the top.

Shook my whole world up so my sand won’t settle

Now I’m just realizing life is a beach and I haven’t scratched the surface of the shore.

Lord hear my prayers and answers my calls Father.

When I seek you I shall find and when you whisper that name tonight I pray that it’s mine.

Goodnight Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. I know it hasn’t seemed like it lately but I still love you too.

Aside

Accept me/except me

Acceptance in the form of a written letter that’s says “congratulations, you’ve won…” but is this envelope even for me, I mean my name isn’t on it. It’s just addressed from Father to son. That could be anybody, maybe meant for everybody except me. You see a lot of kids had nice toys growing up so I asked for nice toys too. Maybe now these 7 year olds elites will accept me. Leaving school to be praised by the man figure in their life for good grades, all of them having one except me. Father God ummm please accept me, accept them, accept us all, except me. Rejection comes in the mail, all nicely addressed and covered with gold. A sinners prayer is wrapped the same. God accept me even when I leave my body and begin to ascend. Drag all my negative thoughts and sins away from your presence except me. Still do accept me as the You in the acceptance letter was me.

IT.

That was it.

All along it was her.

She was it.

It was she.

How could I not know it unless I show it that I love it.

It always…..

…… it just.

Nevermind it.

White Rose

White roses, white roses.

So unique and pure.

I’ve grown ill from the beauty, now I search for the cure.

If you my love are a rose then I pray you be tinted in white.

So in the darkest of forests, your glow brings me to the light.

With thorns so sharp and roots so undeniably strong.

If you are the rose I choose there’s no way to be wrong.

Even when bound in dozens, you are the only rose for me.

Dream big white rose, some day you could be a tree.

Beautiful white rose, as peaceful as a dove.

My white rose, white rose so unique and pure, in love.

SHE = She Has Everything

She has everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman.

She has everything I prayed to God for.

She has everything I desired in a wife.

She is the song that my heart sings at sunset and she has everything it takes to make the sun rise again.

She is God’s great creation and she has everything she needs to qualify as a masterpiece.

She exemplifies beauty and she has everything needed to be considered beautiful.

Most importantly She has Him in her heart and because of that,

She has everything…

The crazy thing is though, I already have God and now I have her too so that must mean that I have everything because I have you ✝️❤️

With hearts wide open

Finally got some things off my chest, first came my shirt then my bulletproof vest. Trying to show off I ripped my tank top apart, and during this process I accidentally tore my heart. I did it faster than you but that doesn’t mean you’re weak, all it means is I have a pumping organ thats missing its beat. My nails must be sharp because they gave me a slight hole, but a cut open heart is better than dying lost soul…