Perseverance..
2023 was a tough year..
When we were tasked with picking a word for 2023 I was so hyped because my word for 2022 was prosperity and some of the best things happened that year. My lovely baby girl Kaida was born. I got a promotion on my job. Reconciled many relationships and was the happiest I had been in a while.
So after leaving service when we were told to pick a word, in my flesh I wanted it to be like victorious or something positive again because I was on top of the world not knowing the year ahead would place the world on top of me. I kept hearing the word perseverance and I’m like naw that ain’t it. My word needed to be winning or something involving victory but when we got to the first service in January to speak what our word was over the microphone, I got ready to just allow my flesh to say something positive that sounded good but Holy Spirit took over completely and “perseverance” is what came out. In that moment I had no idea I was prophesying over my own life but looking back now after having endured I understand what God was doing..
For those that know me, you know I’ve been molested, raped, an alcoholic, suicidal, almost killed, experienced the loss of a child and so much more. None of that tragedy or trauma could’ve prepared me for what I would live through in the year 2023.
This by far was the hardest year God laid before me.. but I lived through it and I’m here in 2024 to tell the story.
I started off the year struggling on my job to the point where I was about to be fired. I was having narcoleptic episodes and falling asleep at random, I mean while walking, standing and even sometimes while talking. It got so bad to the point my job was threatening to take my company vehicle away for fear of me falling asleep behind the wheel. So I went to the doctor and they took a sample of blood and urine. I was so lethargic everyday and I drank 1-3 cups of coffee daily so I wasn’t sure why. From November 2022 til February 2023 I don’t recall drinking one bottle of water. I drank so much coffee and thought well there’s water in it so I should be fine. The results came back and turns out I was experiencing extreme dehydration, very low blood sugar and kidney failure. My body was shutting down because I didn’t have the minimal amount of water your body needs to properly function. That was a wake up call so I had 6 months to drink a minimum of 64 ounces of water daily and no coffee and I had to come back for a check up. When I peed in the cup that first visit I was so embarrassed at how dark my urine was. It was so dark that on the color scale they held it up next to it fell under “Amber” it was no longer a color and I just couldn’t believe it.
I loss my three grandfathers within a span of about 18 months. Like they passed away June, January and then the following June. It was my paternal grandmothers husband since I was a child, followed by my paternal grandfather, then finally my maternal grandfather. (Whom I never had the best relationship with my entire life) but his death hit me the hardest because even though we never said it to each other. I know he loved me dearly and I too loved him. The prophet of our church said in the summer of 2023 after my grandfather passed that “you feel like you loss the only man to ever love you.” I immediately began to weep because those were the truest words ever spoken. I’ve struggled with abandonment and rejection for most of my life and for that very reason I always pushed away relationships with men whether it was father figures or even guy friends. I didn’t trust them and I always had more friends that were females than men for this exact reason. So in August of 2023 I sat at his gravesite for hours because I was afraid to walk over to where his body was and release him. I finally prayed and got out of my car. I walked over to him alone and spent I’m not sure how long telling him all the things I never said to him growing up. I weeped, I mourned and I yelled until I lost my voice.. but when I left that cemetery I felt lighter because I felt I wasn’t holding on to that burden anymore and I asked for his forgiveness and told him I forgave him so he could rest now. I miss you Bernard Jackson.
October of 2023 my mother was taken from me without warning.. I received a call while at work from my grandmother that she was just sentenced to 20 years in prison. That was such a blow to the chest and sent me through a world wind of emotions. I couldn’t breathe, I was angry, I sobbed I was disappointed and because it hit me after the fact I felt helpless and hopeless because there was nothing I could do about it. She was already gone.
A week later I filed for divorce.. this had been brewing for sometime but I failed in my marriage miserably. Once we lost our twin daughter our marriage ended and we were just existing together for our child that survived. A part of me died that day and my prayer was left unanswered from my just God who made a decision and I accept His judgement no matter the case. I asked Him to take me instead.. let my daughter live and take me, I wanted to take her place. You can tell by me writing this that I’m still here and she isn’t. Child loss has to be so tough on a mother and I don’t know if I supported her the way she wanted me to. I did the best I could and the best I knew how with a situation I was unfamiliar with. Countless sleepless nights where I went and worked 8-10 hour days without a blink of sleep. I realize now that I cut my grieving short and went back to work quicker than I had to in order to provide for my mourning wife and newborn baby who didn’t know what bills were yet. I sacrificed my emotional well being to make sure we had money for food to eat and a roof over our head. Which some may argue I should have just been there in support instead. I wouldn’t change a thing looking back, I made a decision and now I have to live with it. I can’t remain in the past forever and I have to be present in order to build on my future. The only regret I have is not being able to see my children’s smiling faces everyday. Every other weekend is manageable but I miss them.
To end the year 2023 I began performing well on my job again but as a team overall we weren’t meshing and things were getting hectic and stressful around the office. You could feel the tension and I knew something was brewing but wasn’t sure what was to come then I had to be on a zoom call where my Director decided it was time for him to throw in the towel and resign. He chose early retirement and that was a tough pill to swallow. My favorite part of coming in to work would no longer be the first smiling face I’d see anymore and that crushed me. I probably cried for 20 minutes after getting off of that call.
Perseverance definitions:
• continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition.
• is not giving up. It is persistence and tenacity, the effort required to do something and keep doing it till the end, even if it’s hard.
So 2023 was full of difficulties but 2024 is me on the other side of it. So no matter what came my way last year I am not giving up. I will get back up and fight and look life in the eyes for another round. Thank you Jesus for standing right along side me every step of the way. It’s time to persevere in Jesus name!
”I’m not telling you this because I’m in need, for I have learned to be satisfied in any circumstance. I know what it means to lack, and I know what it means to experience overwhelming abundance. For I’m trained in the secret of overcoming all things, whether in fullness or in hunger. And I find that the strength of Christ’s explosive power infuses me to conquer every difficulty.“
Philippians 4:11-13 TPT
Thank you for listening..
A fathers love
Every other Sunday I leave from my maternal grandmother’s house and pass by my maternal grandfather’s gravesite on my way home. I usually just gaze over at where he is buried and keep driving back to my normal consciousness. Yesterday was a little different as I began to reminisce on a lot of the laughs we shared throughout my lifetime that had him in it. He was the third grandfather I lost in a span of 18 months. (My paternal grandmothers husband who I called paw paw since I was a kid, followed by my paternal grandfather a year later then my maternal grandfather I’m referencing above six months after that.) My eyes started to fill with tears as I thought back to a prophecy I received two weeks after his death. The Prophet said to me, “The Lord said he feels your sorrow and you are grieving deeply for the first time. Your hearts hurts as you feel you lost the only man who has ever loved you.” I immediately burst into tears and began weeping hysterically. He proceeded to ask the men around me to hug me to help me embrace the love of the Father. God loves me in a way that was hard for me to grasp but losing my grandfather showed me a relationship is like a book, none of New Yorks best sellers were simply defined by a title but instead based on the story. That’s what I loved most about my grandfather, our story. That’s what I love about God, our story.
Disclaimer: I’m not saying other men in my life didn’t or don’t love me but my grandfather wasn’t my father yet he loved me the same way my Heavenly Father does. He disciplined, he set aside time, he was patient, he was loving and most importantly he was understanding, he fought on my behalf and was a voice of reason when I was without words. That’s a fathers love.
The video to “revived”
Collaterally beautiful loss
Tonight my wife and I were watching this film and it struck me a little different than the first time I watched it. The first time we watched this movie together we hadn’t yet experienced tragedy, pain didn’t introduce itself properly. There’s one scene in the movie where Will Smith says he prays to death. I admit I was praying but it was definitely to God. We did say the same things though. I begged God for a trade, I pleaded for Him to take me and let her live instead. I would’ve given anything for my daughter to have taken her first breath outside the womb. The moment in labor where the doctor pulls the baby out and they’re screaming and crying didn’t happen. Her silence was darkness and I could feel the room begin to disappear as my vision broke in two and my heartbeat blurred. For 8 months I prayed for life and in 8 minutes her death stared back at me awkwardly. If Heaven had an answering machine I’d leave you voicemails. My phone service is unlimited but limited to calls outside the network and well… it’s all just collateral beauty undefined.
“Collateral Beauty,” is about the search for meaning in heartbreak and death. It’s about love being in the middle of suffering, pain and loss and this is collateral beauty.
LOVE you forever Kaiyah, wish we had more TIME together, your DEATH is not in vain.
Accept me/except me
Acceptance in the form of a written letter that’s says “congratulations, you’ve won…” but is this envelope even for me, I mean my name isn’t on it. It’s just addressed from Father to son. That could be anybody, maybe meant for everybody except me. You see a lot of kids had nice toys growing up so I asked for nice toys too. Maybe now these 7 year olds elites will accept me. Leaving school to be praised by the man figure in their life for good grades, all of them having one except me. Father God ummm please accept me, accept them, accept us all, except me. Rejection comes in the mail, all nicely addressed and covered with gold. A sinners prayer is wrapped the same. God accept me even when I leave my body and begin to ascend. Drag all my negative thoughts and sins away from your presence except me. Still do accept me as the You in the acceptance letter was me.
Leap
A wise man once told me that everybody has a mountain in their life.
The hardest part is choosing to just admire it from afar off
Or climbing to the top
Well I couldn’t handle the temptation of my mountain
It was just so beautiful
You know the saying, “You can look but not touch”
Well for me that wasn’t the case
I wanted to place my hands on every inch of that solid rock
I lifted my hands to take one last glance and back out while I still had the chance
I think about it once, twice and maybe a few more times
Well here goes nothing… and by nothing I mean everything
Because this wasn’t just an uphill battle
It was the life of my climb
That sounded incorrect but I don’t take back words
The same way when I start this climb there’s no going backwards
I strap up my gear and begin
The first 50 feet were the worse
Probably because I kept looking down.
Have you ever wanted to conquer something so bad that adrenaline is what pushed you?
I hadn’t eaten for days
I couldn’t sleep
Or think
Just kept daydreaming about the peak
This mountain is bigger than I thought, so midway through I rest
I hear a voice say, you’ve gone far enough
Turn back while you still have the chance
And I’m all like Satan get thee behind me!
I won’t let you ruin God’s plans
About 3/4 of the way up and my body starts to quiver
Shake shimmy and shiver
Maybe I should’ve prayed about this a little longer
Another voice says son I’m proud of you
You’ve proved your point
Well if it is you God…
Why are you stopping me?
The closer I get to conquering this mountain the closer I get to You
I hesitate
Procrastinate
But keep on climbing
I look up and there it is…
my goal
I feel made whole
I need to soak all this in for a moment
… I actually made it!
So I’m standing at the peak
Remembering all the doubt and unbelief
Those who claimed I was weak
Added to my battle more grief
I could’ve climbed back down with all these memories to keep
But instead of choosing to live… I chose to unhook my safety gear and just leap
About this morning…
You ever just woke up in bed and felt different? Like as if your body could sense something was going to happen on that day. Well I don’t know if you have or not but today was one of those days for me. I guess the closer I get to December 20th, my soul is just getting excited. For those of you who haven’t been following me for long, I’ll let you know why 12/20 is so special. You ever been in love? Well in exactly 1 month and 7 days will mark two years since I fell in love. (I really had to hold back the urge to put umteen hours like Usher says in “burn”) On December 20, 2015 I met the love of my life, and it was love at first touch because I didn’t see Christ but I surely felt Him and it was a sensation unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. No worldly pleasures could amount to the joy my heart felt being in His presence. I couldn’t pick an emotion so I just reacted with all of them. I was laughing, smiling, yelling, angry, sad, overjoyed and most of all I was crying. (No not no cute awww the notebook was so sweet cry, or no three tears sliding down my face at a funeral cry either, I was ugly middle school breakup crying, like somebody ran over my dog and sat the lifeless body in my lap.) In the midst of my hard sobbing though I was still full of so much peace as if the world was standing still and it was just the two of us and my loud boohoos. I really can’t explain to you what it felt like, I just pray you get it for yourself if you haven’t already. You won’t regret it! Anyways there’s only one explanation for today and His name is…
My first love 🙌🏾✝️❤️
Today
Today
Who knew that today would be the day? Today is a very special day. Today. Who knew?
I know I sure didn't. Woke up this morning at the usual time that I awake, not even realizing that today a lot was at stake.
Oh by the way I'm in high school, did I mention that I'm a football player and I'm actually quite good at it. If there was an award for most lovable and talented guy on the field then I probably would have it.
I love football and it's what I love to do. I feel like I'm #1 but the number on my jersey is actually #2.
Normally I'm the spotlight of practice and all eyes are on me but today I choose to hide.
They see the athlete on the outside but they don't see who's inside, they don't even know that two weeks ago today I was thinking of committing suicide.
Today was another stage of puberty and I'm working on growing up but as I go to get a drink of water I suddenly begin throwing up.
I passed out and started losing breath, next thing I knew I was in an ambulance.
Then without warning, I was out again. Maybe I didn't do today right, I pray I get a second chance.
If I told you that today was like every other then I'm sorry because obviously I lied.
If I told you anything honestly, it's the fact that today is the day that I died…
It's over now for there is no beat in my heart.
My eyes have fallen shut and all things around me have gone dark.
The veins connecting my blood have no pulse and they've been pulled apart.
How could my life end before it even got the chance to start.
My lifeless body laid there but my soul began flying like a jet.
Alive or not I still thank God because He made today.
And like Travis Greene said, He also "Made a Way".
So when the doctors said no, Jesus said yes!
Even though the doctors had declared me dead, I heard a voice say not yet.
I searched for that voice but in this darkness there wasn't anything near.
Felt as if I lost my vision and gone blind but somehow I could still hear.
Mama don't cry, I've gone to join lost family members, if you close your eyes then you'll be able to see us.
I've seen my Lord and His name is Jesus, He told me we were slaves to sin on earth and He came to free us.
I was just sitting there in awe, amazed at how much love He has for us
Then God looked over at me and said what are you doing here? Go back to where you belong, rise up my dear Lazarus.
But wait God, I love it here why must I depart so soon.
Then I begin falling from the sky and back into that hospital room.
From toes to head I land in that cold bed to fulfill my 6'2 frame of a young bod.
As my eyes begin to open again I notice there's only two other people in the room, one being my superhero and savior my Lord God.
I never felt so alive, similar to what it says in Ezekiel 37:5.
As I look to His side I recognize who's been there all along and it's my mother.
Then today I realized I should come clean about something. This story wasn't about me at all but instead the testimony of my 17 year old brother.
Thank you.
You can feel it. It’s Eclectic! Boogie woogie woogie
So I’ve written about 50+ pieces so far in my lifetime. But I only have one fully memorized, then there’s three others that I could get about 3/4 of the way through before I’d need to peak at my writing as a refresher of what to say next.
Anyways, I wore this shirt yesterday because it’s an easy conversation starter. i.e.: I went inside Taco Bell and ordered a beef chalupa. As I was waiting in line for it a guy read my shirt and questioned me, “Your name is the Church?” To which I responded, “Well yeah my name is the Church, your name is the Church, we’re all the Church, because the Church isn’t the building but the people inside it.” The astonishing look he gave me was funny as I’m sure he wasn’t expecting that answer. He even shook my hand and said I’m glad someone knows the truth. This is just an example I used because it happened yesterday, normally though the talks are longer and it’s an opportunity for me to shares God’s goodness with someone and tell them how much I love Him. I usually have my bible in hand when I’m wearing this shirt too but I left it in the car as I planned to just run in and get some food.
Then the night ended well as I attended my 4th poetry event since I’ve come to Charleston, SC in the beginning of June. I was like the 7th performer out of 14. I chose it since it’s the number of completion ☝🏾✝️🤗 but yeah I don’t like going first or last so I prefer going somewhere in the middle. At the three previous events we were able to do two poems so I was going to try and spit one of the partial ones the best I could and then follow that up with the one engraved on my heart because I have that one written on my sleeve it feels like. I was flowing with previous performers and felt the vibe from the crowd but since we were only allowed one piece, I stuck with my bread and butter, the one that I fully know from start to finish. The way I performed last night was probably my best yet because I was really feeling myself and the crowd was hyping me up so that kind of aided in my deliverance. It feels good to glorify God and still have people understand and appreciate your work but at the end of the day it’s all Him 😇🙌🏾 I wouldn’t have this gift if He didn’t give it to me. Thank you Lord!
Cut me some slack…
“From Henceforth let no man trouble me for I bear in my body the marks of the Lord Jesus” – Galatians 6:17 KJV
I must admit that I missed all the hype about the show ’13 Reasons Why’ because well I wasn’t on social media and I have truly been digging deeper in my relationship with Christ recently that I haven’t had much time to Netflix and chill, not even with myself. So I went over to a friend’s gathering to have dinner and the show happens to be on while I’m sitting on the couch eating some really good food. (Irrelevant detail but my friend can actually cook y’all because this meal was delicious.) Anyways, they were almost done with the first season so we watched the final three episodes and I was able to attain enough information in these few episodes to pretty much tell me what happened all season. I’m writing this because although I think the show was quite overdramatic in my opinion, it hit a sensitive patch in my past.
I was 16 years old and a Junior in high school when this story took place, I was pretty popular and played three Varsity sports. If there was anything going on at our school then I was most likely involved in it, extracurricular wise from dancing, acting, singing (ha! Funny to reminisce on this part), a national honors society, working, tutoring, volunteering, being a leader in fca (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) to even lunch dates with the principal. I felt like I was on top of the world in high school and nothing could stop me, all I knew was I loved my life and the direction it was headed. Oh yeah I also had a girlfriend, she was 19 and a Senior at my high school, lucky for me she was of Hispanic descent and could help me get that A in Spanish 3 I really needed. (Lol jk) This was just some basic background information I felt I should share.
So here’s where the story begins, my girlfriend at the time (We’ll refer to her as Melissa for her privacy’s sake) had been dating for about four months at the time and my 16th birthday was approaching. My parents were going out of town and I had the house to myself for the weekend. PARTYYYY!!! Lol. So my older cousin gets some friends to bring alcohol (I had never drank before) and we start the beginning to a wild night in high school. I’m sober and checking to make sure everyone is okay. Felt like the whole school was at my party except for one person… you guessed it, Melissa. I was pretty sad she couldn’t make it and after a few sips of alcohol I was involved in some obscure things I never thought I’d get into, because I was the Christian guy who wanted to wait til marriage, at least I told Melissa I wanted to. So here I was doing some very ungodly acts with someone who appeared to not be Melissa. I know people always say not to have regrets but before I truly met the Lord in 2015, I always felt this was the biggest mistake of my life and I wished it never happened. I called Melissa right after and told her what happened, because it was high school and things spread fast. She was devastated…
I lost my virginity and to make matters worse, I lost my virginity by cheating. To some this may seem like a small ordeal or just something guys do in high school. Well for me it was much deeper than that. I made a commitment to God, my mom and my girlfriend that I was going to wait until marriage to have sex. I let all three of them down in one fell swoop. I just knew Melissa would leave and I’d be alone forever because no girl would want to date a cheater. I figured my mom would disown me reluctantly and tell me I was just like my father. I was honestly heartbroken, I thought to myself that God could never love me again because I was a sinner. In my head I was going to hell because I broke one of the commandments and nobody could save me. I felt so alone and I thought I had nobody to talk to and truth be told, I just wanted to die…
This was no figurative speech either, I meant it and I was preparing myself for death, I even planned a date. Hard to remember now but I’m pretty sure I gave myself around 18-21 days to find a reason to live or else I was going to simply end it all. With each passing day I slowly went deeper and deeper into a depression, saddest part was that nobody even saw me. It’s like I was on top of the world one day and the next it was on top of me. Coaches didn’t notice, neither did teachers, or even classmates. Only person talking to me was Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior but I didn’t recognize His voice so I just tuned Him out. I was literally screaming on the inside but no one could hear me. My eyes yelled for help but my emotions departed from me and so did my voice, I didn’t speak to anyone. I thought that if I started small cuts up my arm it would prepare me for the day I hit the jackpot and sliced open the main artery, that’s if the pill overdose didn’t do the job of course. I had about 14 days left to plan my life taking act so I wasn’t stressing on how to do it yet. All I know is that I became obsessed with cutting, it was like a temporary high of the sacrificial kind only the bloodshed was my own. I’m telling you I cut so much that I started making a game out of it, my weapons of choice were: kitchen knives, razors, school supply scissors and my favorite, my stepfathers box cutter. I’ll never forget the day before the big “X” was marked on my calendar, my best friend since middle school (She’ll be known as Hannah) grabbed my arm and asked me what was wrong, this actually made one of my wounds bleed through my sweater. The way her eyes began to fill with tears as she backed away in disbelief is a sight that truly shocked me, but I was on a mission and I had no intentions of letting anyone or anything get in my way. (Truth be told the little boy inside me wanted Hannah to stop me, but my soulless outer shell was too stiff to bend or break anymore, I had to do what I had to do.
To sum things up, my “supposed” last day on earth ended in my mom catching me before I could do it, she then proceeded to call the pastor of her church to talk to me on the phone to which I rolled my eyes to everything he said. Then she saw he had no effect on me and I still wanted to commit suicide so she called her really good friend, a youth minister. This man of God scolded me in ways that truly straightened me up from just his voice, he told me how “selfish” I was being and how “blessed” I didn’t even realize I was. I was confused because I had him in one ear telling me to stop and the devil in my other saying, “Finish what we started” but to God be the glory, I conceded and told him I wouldn’t do it if he promised to hang with me to which he kept his word and stopped by the house quite often throughout the rest of high school. I don’t even know if he knows that he talked me out of “pulling the trigger” or “taking a leap from the 7th floor balcony”, but I thank God for sending him.
I’m now 22 years old and after a bumpy college career, I’m about to be graduating soon. I wasn’t supposed to be here, the enemy tried to take me out and that’s why I praise my God of the Most High for saving me and giving me a second chance. He allowed the enemy to tempt me and when I passed the test, God knew it would be full proof on my testimony that’s why I’m comfortably able to share with you today. I pray you’ve enjoyed reading this short story and know that it was only written to glorify God. Lastly, thank you Mom for saving my life and most importantly, introducing me to my Father in Heaven who comes to bring me everlasting life. I love you!
“But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities, the chastisement of our peace was upon him, and with His stripes we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5 KJV
Sunset 🌇
I’ve always had this dream of playing the guitar. I tried to make it into a reality once in high school, my grandma bought me an acoustic for Christmas. I played that thing all the time from Christmas until the following summer before I went off to college. On my move in day, I didn’t have enough room in my car for all my things so I left some stuff behind. (Including my acoustic guitar). My plan was to come home for the first break I got or just one weekend and retrieve the rest of my things. Sadly though, when I returned home and opened the case, there was no guitar in sight. Come to find out, my younger brother sold it to one of his friends while I was gone. *Attempts to hold back the tears because that was my love* So I let go of that dream for awhile only strumming my friends guitar every now and again when I got the chance. With only a some months of practice, I wasn’t all that good yet. I knew a scale and one good tune, but that was about it. So without a guitar, my desire slowly slipped away… This was in 2012, so fast forward to July 2016 and I finally get a new baby. One of the greatest men I know and although I refer to him as my big bro, he’s moreover related to a father figure than anything, accompanies me to the guitar center and helps me get my first electric guitar. Oh my goodness I was elated to get her home and begin bonding with her. From the moment I picked her up I knew she was the one for me. She was the second out of five guitars I laid my hands on but the one I kept the longest. When I was trying others out I still had her in mind or sitting near me. Her name is Starburst and since I’m not in a relationship outside of the one I have with the Lord, she is my new girlfriend. So meet my baby girl everybody. I’m excited to endulge on this new journey and actually devote myself to learning more now that the opportunity has presented itself.
Pearl
January 1st 1963:I woke up this morning to the smell of Mama’s home cooked breakfast. Wowww I could nearly taste the eggs and grits from all way upstairs. Hopefully my siblings hadn’t finished them off already, it was always a fight between the eight of us. But that’s not the story I’ll be telling you today. My name is Terrance Whatley and this is the story about the first and only time I fell in love with a woman named Pearl Harrison.
February 4th, 1963:
The morning of the move… Mom has gotten really sick and Dad got offered a higher paying job down in Mississippi at a factory mill. The doctors up here in Brooklyn are unable to work on her so they recommend she go down south to better trained professionals. Which means I have to transfer schools and I’m already in 10th grade but it’s what’s best for the family and as the oldest I have to set an example for my brothers and sisters. As we’re all packed up and boarding the train to Jackson, Mississippi, it’s so hard to say goodbye but we’re taking a huge leap of faith. We arrive and unload and move into our new place. As I’m standing outside our new home, our neighbors come out to greet us and this was the first time we locked eyes. Pearl, you were my Heaven on earth, like the thin strand on my Father in Heaven’s robe. When you first spoke I could see the little bit of devil through those Angel eyes. You’re the girl my mom always warns me about, they’re quiet and sweet but they break hearts like they change clothes. But like all young men I rebelled and fell for you like leaves in the fall. The next day I walked with you to school in the morning. You showed me around and warned me to only drink from the “coloreds only” water fountains and all things marked this way. My friends didn’t lie when they said it was this bad in the south. Racism like I never experienced before. I’m so glad you were in most of my classes.
March 6th, 1963:
We’ve been friends for a month now and gotten so close. Had each other’s backs when the whites spit slurs at us daily. Each day my feelings grew for you but I was so afraid to say anything. We ate lunch together and shared our brown paper sacks to the fullest. You didn’t like chocolate milk. Today I got into my first fight because JimBob pushed you into the whites only bathroom to get you beat on and paddled for obstruction of a negro. I sure whooped him because I told you I had your back.
April 2nd, 1963:
The day I asked you to be my girlfriend, I was super nervous but you said yes. I couldn’t have been happier, the girl of my dreams was now the girl of my reality. You made me so happy.
April 1st, 1964:
Tomorrow is our one year anniversary and it’s been a tough road getting here, our parents didn’t think we should’ve went public with our relationship because the superior have done everything to tear us apart, from death threats, to spitting on us and pouring things on us, they even had us suspended for holding hands in the hallways. But through it all I fought back for us and you never left my side.
April 2nd, 1965:
Baby, it’s been two years and I couldn’t be happier. We’ll be graduating high school soon and going our separate ways. You’re going to finish top 5 in the class and take that scholarship to Stanford University I just know you will. You don’t want to leave me but it’s for the best. I’m going to take my football scholarship and play for the University of Kentucky. We’ll still see each other on holidays and if we keep the faith I know we’ll be together 4 years from our first days on campus. These two years with you proved that we have a love like no other.
April 2nd, 1966:
3 long years together of ups and downs that lead us to see brighter days that no one was able to rain down on. This first year of college without you has been really hard. Only seeing you on thanksgiving and spring break because you were on a mission trip for our Lord and Savior during Christmas break. Football is so much harder in college than I imagined.
January 1st, 1967:
You found out that you’ll be going on another mission trip except this time you don’t know for how long. I don’t think I can handle not seeing you for breaks or the summer. You’re my relief from oppression with the other race and football. I won’t survive the summer without you. You don’t want to hurt me too bad so you make it quick. You don’t feel it’s best for us to go on because of future predicaments and situations to arise. “I can’t be with you anymore Terrance, I have to get my life together and I refuse to keep dragging you with me in full force. It’s for the best darling, I’ll always love you.” Then you were gone…
April 1st, 1967:
It’s been three months since you left and this morning when I awoke I felt different. I received a letter in the mail from you this morning about you missing me and how nice the people in the under developed country are and they don’t care about being less fortunate because they have each other. You apologized for the things you said and ended the letter with when I get back I want you to take care of “our” family. Terrance I’m pregnant. Whoa! Maybe that’s what made my stomach turn, anxiously awaiting this good news! I begin to write you back but realize I’m late for practice. I became a starter today because coach knew I was faster than that white boy. He was taking a huge risk by playing a negro. After our team meal I was on my way to chapel when the white boy stopped me and said I’m gonna need my spot back nigger. I had a prayer in my mind that I was holding onto so I ignored him and kept walking. Three steps from the chapel doors and I hear a gunshot and feel a hot burning sensation in my chest… he shot me babe and not only that but, I died…
April 2nd, 1967:
Today would’ve been our 4th year anniversary together. But instead it was a celebration for my life. My family held an immediate funeral. You never got that letter from me so you don’t know how excited I was to meet my son/daughter. You received the news of my death the moment you land back in the states a few weeks from today. As I look down from above it hurts me so much to watch you cry.
January 7th, 1968 you gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Terrance Jermaine Harrison. My gosh was he a site for Heavenly eyes. All the Angels brag about what artwork The Lord must have used in His making of our son. Pearl, you miss me so much and I hear you crying out for me at night but I want you to know I’m just fine. I’m enjoying watching over you from up here. I didn’t really get to see you much on earth but now I see you all the time baby. When you call out my name and the you feel the breeze across your shoulders, know I’m just simply embracing you and responding.
April 2nd, 1968:
Today would’ve been our 5th year anniversary. I know you miss me but I’m happy to see you and Lil T doing so well. Your new boyfriend is a good guy and I trust him with my son. I see he’s very close with the government and black community. Just don’t let him get to close to that hotel with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, as I fear God is about to call that brother home. I know you’re always complaining that it’s hard but I need you to be strong for “us” tonight, when you close your eyes to rest for the night listen close for I’ll remind you one last time that I love you… and oh yeah Pearl, Happy Anniversary!
The End!
-LLW
iamlakai 